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Thoughts and Prayers of Widows and Widowers Who Follow Christ

October 19, 2018

My dearest husband, best friend, soulmate, co-laborer in the Gospel and straight up love of my life passed unexpectedly on August 4, 2018. I cannot begin to explain the pain I feel not having him physically in my life any more.

Alonzo and Michelle

Pastors Alonzo & Michelle Wade

Although I grieve, I live.  Through my sadness and solitude, I lean on God my Father and Christ my Savior to be my daily help.

I’ll use this blog article to share some of my on-going thoughts and prayers as a widow and woman minister.

Also, check out my YouTube playlist – Widows and Widowers who Follow Christ, and follow my Pinterest board for Widows and Widowers Who are Followers of Christ.

I hope you’ll bookmark it so you can come back often to be encouraged by a chronicle of prayers and thoughts from a widow woman of God – that’s me.


The first few days following my husband’s unexpected death left me utterly shattered, confused, deranged, lonely, feeling survivor & caregiver guilt, wondering what in the world I could have done differently… wondering WHY NOW GOD! I recognize that these feelings, to some degree or another, may never have an end date, but by God’s grace and wisdom I am learning how to cope. I use a variety tools to help bring my thoughts back to a sober place.  One tool in particular is this youtube video, The Evans Family Discusses Faith & Loss. The Evans family conducted this discussion with their congregation a day after they lost a family member to an unexpected death.

Pastor Archie LaVias of Modesto, CA sent this to me on about the third day after my husband’s death.  I listened to it repeatedly. Whenever anger and destructive thoughts would overshadow me, the Evans family’s testimonies would talk me through it. I am forever grateful to the Evans and Pastor LaVias for this healing gift.

I hope it helps you too.

 

 

 

 

During the first two weeks of my bereavement I realized grief feels like fear.

Grief Feels Like Fear

Read a very helpful article at: https://secondfirsts.com/2016/04/no-one-ever-told-me-that-grief-felt-so-like-fear/


 

About three weeks after my husband passed, a wonderful sister in Christ told me about a book called Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. One thing I’ve learned through this season of loss is that, even as Believers, we have a very poor understanding of heaven. I found tremendous comfort in discovering what the scriptures really do say about heaven.  As a grieving widow, I needed this understanding so I could mourn my loss gracefully.

Loved Ones In Heaven (1)

 

I was at about the two month mark when I read: “Our loved ones are waiting to see us again. They’ve simply gone on to heaven ahead of us.”


 

I’ve been mourning the loss of my husband and best friend for 76 days now – it’s October 19, 2018.  I hurt. I cry. I miss his loving care for me. I miss our conversations, our meals together, our Saturday outings, worshiping the Lord together, debating the scriptures with one another… I could go on and on. I miss just about everything about him.  Although diabetes did not take his life, I don’t miss what it was doing to his body. As much as I miss him, I trust that God truly knew what was best.

I trust I miss

 


Today is November 6, 2018… two days past my 3 month mark.

Last week was an incredibly difficult week with lots of tears, anxiety, panic attacks, heart palpitations, widows fog, insomnia, and general ambivalence. Praying through it was difficult, but I kept working at it.

I must have talked myself in and out of 100 different things before finally, on Friday evening, I forced myself out of my house onto a 30 mile journey to the one thing that kept coming back to me… 4 Wheel Bob. 

4 Wheel Bob is a documentary film by Tal Skloot about Bob Coomber and his attempt to be the first wheelchair hiker to cross the Sierra.

I LOVED IT!

The 4 Wheel Bob documentary and Bob’s tenacity encouraged me so much that it helped me thrive through grief for four whole days. I feel a wave coming on now, but I think I’m ready to handle it.

ONE Last thing for now… Check out this entire chapter in 1 Timothy on the care of widows. He talks about older widows and young widows separately.  It’s pretty interesting stuff.  I’m  quoting here from the Common English Bible version.

1 Timothy 5:3-16 (CEB)

Take care of widows who are truly needy. But if a particular widow has children or grandchildren, they should first learn to respect their own family and repay their parents, because this pleases God. A widow who is truly needy and all alone puts her hope in God and keeps on going with requests and prayers, night and day. But a widow who tries to live a life of luxury is dead even while she is alive. Teach these things so that the families[a] will be without fault. But if someone doesn’t provide for their own family, and especially for a member of their household, they have denied the faith. They are worse than those who have no faith.

Put a widow on the list who is older than 60 years old and who was faithful to her husband. 10 She should have a reputation for doing good: raising children, providing hospitality to strangers, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in distress, and dedicating herself to every kind of good thing. 11 But don’t accept younger widows for the list. When their physical desires distract them from Christ, they will want to get married.12 Then they will be judged for setting aside their earlier commitment.13 Also, they learn to be lazy by going from house to house. They are not only lazy, but they also become gossips and busybodies, talking about things they shouldn’t. 14 So I want younger widows to marry, have children, and manage their homes so that they won’t give the enemy any reason to slander us. (15 Some have already turned away to follow Satan.) 16 If any woman who is a believer has widows in her family, she should take care of them and not burden the church, so that it can help other widows who are truly needy.

 


Today is November 14, 2018 – 102 days since my beloved hubby transitioned to heaven.

Yesterday was one tough day, but today… Today is #WorldDiabetesDay so I’m really thinking about my hubby and his (our) battle with diabetes.  Mind you, while his diabetes was fairly advanced, his direct cause of unexpected death was sudden cardiac arrest.

None-the-less, diabetes is in fact a silent killer that can slowly and methodically rob a person of his life. Most people have no clue of diabetes’ power to effect the entire body.

This video shares a little about diabetes being the 2nd cause of premature death in South Africa. It’s the 3rd cause of premature death in the United States, and is one of the most expensive diseases to treat over time because of the way the body slowly deteriorates both internally and externally.

The South African man in this video talks a little about his foot amputation. Limb amputations are common in diabetics worldwide (including in the US).

My husband and I fought DAILY to keep diabetes from robbing him of his feet. We lost toes, but we did not lose a foot. The Lord promised me years ago that my husband would get to keep his feet… Of course I didn’t realize that he would transition to heaven so soon, BUT he went there with two feet.

My husband had to wear shoes and socks that weren’t stylish – which he hated. He often wore a post-op shoe on one foot or the other… which he hated too.

He would often go through all his boxes of designer dress shoes and Adias tennis shoes and say: “I’m going to wear my shoes again one day…”

And I would say: “But not today.”

Very few people know this, but I pleaded with the mortuary to please let my husband wear his designer dress shoes for his Home-going Celebration. They weren’t sure they could get the shoes on his feet, but said they would try. All throughout the service I wondered if my babes had on  his shoes or not. Right at the very end of the service, Apostle Chess was able to take a peek in the casket. She looked at me and said:

HE’S WEARING SHOES!!!!

My heart rejoiced! I’d given my hubby his simple final wish. 

Zo in Shoes


Today is Sunday, November 25, 2018, the Sunday after my first major holiday without my husband, Thanksgiving. I’ve been a widow for 112 days.

The Lord blessed me to make it through the holiday without having a major grief wave.  That was my prayer leading up to the day. I shared this supplication with a fellow writer  friend, Craig Carlisle, after listening to his podcast “Thankful for What?” Craig, a 7-year widower, shared so candidly about his experiences as a widower raising 5 boys, and how for years the anger of widowhood made him feel like there was nothing to be thankful for. Before you judge him for his feelings, take time to listen to this episode of the podcast in it’s entirety.

Click here to listen to the Rzngmen Podcast episode “Thankful for What?”

Well, Thanksgiving was a success!  At first I wasn’t quite sure how our family’s first Thanksgiving without Alonzo would work out. He and I always cook the feast together whether we’re at home or in Phoenix. My mom cooks with us too; but everyone has their role to play, and it takes all of us to prepare dinner for the family.

This year, mom and I cooked most of the food, and my good sister-friend, who happens to own a restaurant, helped me out with a few of the items.  We make everything from scratch, so it’s quite a labor of love.

Everything was delicious and the time of family togetherness was so life-giving to us all.

God is good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My first Christmas season is coming up next…


Random thought… Not sure of the day but here it is…

It sounds cliche, but it really is one moment, one emotion, one decision at a time.

Figuring out ‘what do I need in this moment’ and allowing myself to go with it. Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes sleep, sometimes eat pie & ice cream, sometimes tell stories about my Love, sometimes go for a walk… I could go on. I’m less than four months out and I’m still real random.🤷‍♀️and I still cry like a baby 😭 and then I laugh like nothing is wrong 😂.

In my world, it’s all OK.


It’s December 4, 2018 – My husband has lived in heaven for Four months.  I am living through my first holiday season, creating new memories while continually memorializing my wonderful husband’s life.

I delivered holiday candy – handmade peanut & pecan brittle – to the team of podiatrist who took such wonderful care of my husband’s diabetic feet for several years. Without their care, expertise and compassion for my husband, our lives would have been soooooo extremely different. I cannot thank them enough for the gift of “healthy feet” they kept diabetes from destroying. I took 15 bags to two offices. From front office to back office, they truly worked as a TEAM.

My husband Pastor Wade loved having big, live trees. We’d get two each year – one for home and one for the church (PMTC). He and I would decorate our home tree together, and the members of our church would decorate the church tree.

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Christmas 2014 at PMTC

This year, instead of getting a tree, I decided to decorate a table with a little memorial to my Babes. See his little house with two trees, one on either side?

Now if I could just get a flat-screen TV with a remote and a bowl of popcorn in there. Lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Mom and Madilyn for helping 😘


Today is December 13, 2018 – 131 days since my Love passed

It’s been a trying day. One of my staff members had a medical emergency at work. The ambulance came, said they were taking him to one hospital but they actually took him to a different one… It was the one my husband was taken to the day of his passing. My staff member’s ER room was a few doors down from the room where my husband was pronounced dead less than 5 months ago. I say “pronounced dead” because I truly believe he was already gone when the medics took him from the party venue. It’s so surreal being in that hospital ER again.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted and  My heart aches… 💔  It was only God who sustained me through those hours.


It’s full-blown Holiday Season; my first without my husband’s physical presence in my world. We did EVERYTHING together and we really did it up for the holidays. With this being my first year as a widow, I wanted to do all I could to not fall into a depression. I wanted to be able to look back on this season with joy, and not immense pain. The pain of losing my wonderful, loving husband is enough.  Every knows Alonzo LOVED him some Michelle, and wanted her happy at all cost. So I made lots of celebration plans…

December 18th – I put the final touches on our Christmas Memorial Table

I love it!  Everyday I walk in the door from work I’m greeted with this lovely memory. The lights in the house turn on automatically, so it’s almost like my Love is greeting me at the door.

2018 Christmas Wade Memorial Table

December 19th – I picked up my Godson from the airport and took him for his first MOD Pizza. He got almost every available topping on his pizza.  🤷 It’s not for me, but hey… he says it was the best pizza ever.

He graduated from St Mary’s University in San Antonio, TX earlier this month.

Today, over pizza, we also had the best conversation about male-female relationships, and what it takes make them work.

December 20th – Me and my BFF Vanessa went to see Shen Yen!

We went to the 2pm show at San Jose Center for Performing Arts. We had a ball and thoroughly enjoyed the show. Immediately following the performance, she headed straight to her dad’s memorial service and I headed to OAK airport.  When I originally planned this outing, I intended to fly out of San Jose Airport; but, after when I realized there’s no long-term indoor airport parking near San Jose Airport, I changed my flight to Oakland Airport.

The drive from San Jose to Oakland was horrrrrreeeennnnndous! The show ended shortly after 4pm, so I was right in the middle of commute hour traffic. I just barely made my flight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I arrived at my mother’s house in Arizona late that night… SUPER HUNGRY.  Thankfully, she had one of my favorite meals already prepared for me.  Cabbage and potatoes.  She’s the best!


December 21st – 27th – Christmas in Phoenix Metro

This is where my entire family lives… This is where Alonzo and I were in the process of relocating to. This is where he and I spent many holiday seasons. Now I’m here with my family, but without my Man. A huge piece of me is missing and no one in this city – or any other city – can replace it. I’m in a familiar place and with familial people, yet I am alone.  The lens through which I viewed Phoenix metro with Alonzo is very different than what I see without him.

I spent hours upon hours driving the city streets… Chandler, La Veen, South, Central and North Phoenix, Mesa, Tempee, Gilbert… just taking it all in.   This was the place for US, but is it the place for ME? My realtor friend offered to show me houses. My cousin already had the perfect job lead lined up for me. In terms of housing and employment, this can still work for ME; but socially, culturally, and spiritually can it work???

For the first time in all my years of knowing the Phoenix metro area I noticed the serious lack of a “sense of community” overall. Other than at Whole Foods while grocery shopping, I found far too many people across the metro area seemed unfriendly. I shared my perception with a few friends who aren’t Phoenix natives, and boy did they have stories to tell about how challenging it is to find your “community” in Phoenix metro.

One day I went solo to eat and read at a pizzeria in North Phoenix. The man sitting at the table next to me with his wife was so bothered by my presence that he finally said: “Isn’t this a noisy place for someone who wants to eat in the quiet?” To that I replied: “I’m not sure that’s what I was looking for…”  He just glared at me.

🤷 I cannot relate to a person being bothered by my quiet presence.


As usual, I’m the Chef in charge of Christmas dinner. My hubby was always my assistant chef, and mom frequently did her part too. But this year, it’s just me and mom.

On the morning of December 22nd I woke up trying to get my mind in order to start all the cooking. 🙄

Normally my babes Pastor Wade would be so excited about holiday cooking, he’d be up way before me ‘doing the most’. I’d have to get up 🛌 and get in that kitchen 👩‍🍳 👨‍🍳 to manage him before he went too far. But not this year. My love is no longer here to motivate me, nor to be spontaneous with me. LOL

Like last year, Christmas 2017 when we took 3 days to take a 13 hour drive from Tracy CA to Phoenix AZ…. Just loving life and loving one another.

  • Redondo Beach for lunch
  • Riverside for coffee
  • Palm Springs for dinner, shopping and breakfast

All spontaneous and unplanned. That’s how we rolled.

December 25th – Christmas dinner was a success. The food and desserts were delicious as usual.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I made it through my first Christmas. After 8 days in Phoenix I believe will stay in California a bit longer. I’m not ruling it out completely; but I’m staying California for now. We have lots of friendly people here and I have a strong sense of community among various groups.

Upon my return to California on December 28th my BFF Madilyn joined me for dinner at Angelas Middle Eastern Restaurant in Alameda.


It’s New Years Eve – December 31, 2018. I have been a widow for 149 days.

I’m thinking about on all the things I tried to accomplish over the last two years. Certain life events and losses have slowed down the pace I plotted out for myself. The life events, such as the swift passing of my mother-in-love, are valid show-stoppers. I’ve tried to keep moving forward in the middle of loss and chaos, and I can say I certainly did not succumb life’s happenings. My pace as slowed down tremendously, and some of my outcomes aren’t what I wanted them to be. But, to God for the Glory for what He has allowed me to do.

Moving forward, I want 2019 to be the year I kick butt! I don’t know exactly how this grief journey will continue playing out, and I know I cannot avoid the process; but, my prayer is that grief will not overtake me nor prevent me from moving forward with the things God has given me to do.

Whatever it is, “step up in faith and do it!”

 


Today is January 4, 2019 – My Husband’s Earthly Birthday – 153 Days Gone From This Earth

He would have turned 58 years old today. I baked a cake to celebrate. My hubby loved 49826065_10216988468531307_7114700406285926400_o.jpgcake & ice cream. This is a pound cake, but his absolute favorite was yellow cake with chocolate icing.

Friends came to help me eat it, but  tomorrow starts our annual 3 weeks of fasting. I will freeze whatever we don’t eat.

 

 


Today is January 10

My father died this morning…

I have… no, we all have, such mixed emotions. My heart aches and I wish my husband was here to listen to me vent, hold me while I cry, and support me while we finalize my father’s affairs.

But he’s not. I’ve got God and lots of folks praying for me. I’m thankful for that… but I sure could use a hug from my hubby’s long arms.


Today is January 24, 2019

My sister-in-love came over for a visit last night. I gave her a few of Momma Lillie’s old things… and that made her smile. Then, I took her in the garage and handed her a race track set that she and Alonzo (Pastor Wade) used to play with together when they were younger. Her face lit up so bright! She was cheezing so hard! And her eyes… Her eyes danced just like my husband’s did when he was around race tracks and muscle cars. We hugged so hard. 💖

I feel like I stared him in the face last night.
It feels like 💖 and 😭 all at the same time.

#TransparentMe #ForeverLoved #ForeverMissed



 

Today is January 29, 2019 – 178 Days Without Looking Into my LOVES Eyes

On this day, January 29, 2011, I married the most wonderful man ever! Pastor Alonzo A Wade. He treated me like the finest of jewels from our first date in July 2009 until the day the Lord called him home, August 4, 2018.

Although I miss my Love like crazy, I am grateful for the wonderful 8 years of marriage we shared. From the first day until the last day.
Sending kisses to you in Paradise my Love.


 

Today is MY BIRTHDAY – February 5, 2019 – 185 since my hubby went to heaven

Today is MY first birthday without my Babes. He always celebrated me with all he had, and he gave his all to build up and mentor MEN. So, for my birthday I’m headed out of town with a suitcase full of his clothes – it’s my first time touching his clothes since the Lord called him home 185 days ago. I’m taking them to my friend’s non-profit, Timelist Group, who’s mission is to restore the lives of people who have recently been released from prison, most of whom are men of color. I’m feeling pretty good.

The next day, February 6th, I had the  joy of visiting Timelist Group’s 16-bed housing facility for formerly incarcerated men today. Timelist helps men and women successfully re-enter society after incarceration by providing everything from shelter, food and clothing to job training and placement, mental health, money management and more.

 

 

 

 

 

 


February 9, 2019 – I’ve been a widow for 189 days

I traveled to Southern California as a low-key birthday get-away. I had no real plans, because a person in my emotional and psychological state isn’t up for much excitement anyway. I’m just trying to cope with my new reality.   I stayed with a dear friend of mine. She was busy with work most of the time, so we shared a few meals and conversations; but for the most part I was on my own.

While in SoCal I received a request to be the featured guest on The Craig Carlisle Show podcast. Craig and I met back in June 2018 at the Southern California Christian Writer’s Conference.  As is the normal fashion after a writer’s conference, you become Facebook friends with many of the people you meet, so of course Craig and I had connected on Facebook.

The night before the podcast recording I reviewed the list of questions Craig provided. The topic was: “History in the Making – Landmarks”. As it turned out, during the recording we strayed far from the planned talking points, and instead of him interviewing me, we had more of a discussion on grief and loss.

I shared wayyyyyy more than I intended to. This was one of those times in a writer’s life when I had to apologize to my family.

CLICK HERE to listen in.

 


Sometime Between February 14 – 18th

I don’t know exactly when, but I hit a major grief wave. I couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat, missed work…. The depression.

My two BFFs came to pull me up out of it. My Pastor prayed for me. And a fellow widower friend shared some words of encouragement.

I posted this on Facebook, to which my army of FB loves showered me with kindness.

#TransparentMe

Although I smile and share joy, hope and encouragement, this has been a tough week and weekend…

I won’t go into details, but I don’t think I look like what I’ve been through this week. It’s just His grace.

Truth.

Here are a few of their responses:

 

  1. Yep. I’ve been praying for that week for you for a few weeks now. God loves you! 💕
  2. He’s Got You!
  3. A light to many! His grace and mercy has you shinning.
  4. There’s healing in transparency. For you, and so many others.

 

52378459_10217351774693734_3399763826520883200_nAs I pulled myself up from grief and dressed for work, I declared to myself: “I will make it through this grief wave. It will not overtake me!”

A few days later I shared this  article on Facebook with just a limited number of people; only with those who have suffered a loss in recent years. I highlighted this quote from the article:

Title: This is the Best Response I’ve ever Heard about How to Process Grief.

“In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.”

My widower friend and his family must have also been dealing with a strong grief wave at the same time. He posted this:

52918034_1240129119476575_6724900105192734720_o

The point is, grief comes in waves.

Grief hurts.

And grief is something we can face and overcome one wave at a time. Don’t worry about what’s down the road… take one at a time.

 


Today is February 25, 2019 – I’ve been a widow for 205 Days

I’m feeling like it’s about time for me to change my FB profile picture to my first solo photo in almost 10 years. My husband and I always used photos of the two of us for our FB profile pictures. This may seem like a small thing to some, but it’s big to me. It’s one more step in the direction of accepting my new life as a widow. My husband and I truly were TWO flesh, become ONE.

I didn’t want the photo to look sad, but I want to portray what is real. What’s real is that some days I’m really, really sad…  Never-the-less, everyday I’m grateful  for the things God has done and still is doing. I know as long as I live on the earth God will be doing great things through my life.

These are the two photos it came down to.  It was a tough choice. Do I look sad, yet grateful in these?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Today is March 23, 2019 – 231 Days without my Hubby

This was us everyday…

IMG_20180415_1414492

Someone in my Facebook Widow & Widowers Group posted this prompt today:

Many would say that grieving the loss of their spouse is the most difficult thing they’ve ever had to do. We come here and share how difficult is is and how miserable we are. We get dozens, if not hundreds, of likes and ” me too” comments, along with a handful of helpful suggestions on how to improve our situation and lessen our pain. Often times, those helpful comments are met with replies of “it’s not that easy” or “it’s not that easy for some of us.”

*NEWSFLASH*
Healing is not easy. Not easy for anyone. It takes commitment, effort, and support. But what it takes before all those things is hope. You can’t begin to heal without thinking it’s possible. The very first step is changing your mindset to one of hope. Instead of telling yourself “I’ll never” or “I can’t”, say “I will” or “I’ll try.” Positive thinking leads to positive results.

Changing our lives begins with changing our thinking. Is change easy? Nope. Not for anyone. Is it worth it? Yes it is!

Please share one positive thought for today. It can be as simple as “I WILL shower today!”

It’s so true how widows and widowers can easily be consumed by grieving and all the emotions that come along with it. Losing a spouse means losing a true life partner. It can really feel like life simply cannot go on. The person I’d give anything to and for is now gone. A whole entire part of my life is gone….

Is it really?

In a sense, Yes. But not to the point that life for the widow(er) must also come to an end.

Here are some of the ways people responded to this prompt.

  1. I’m getting ready for company tomorrow. Have three tri-tip roasts ready to go on the smoker. Haven’t had a large group to feed in a long time. I’m excited!
  2. I am living the life I was meant to live.Yes he will always be part of me – but I still have a future. I am learning each day to be my best and to make the best of what I am given. Even the hard things.
  3. First solo vacation in the books! I survived and actually enjoyed it!
  4. I am spending a few hours with my granddaughters (5 and 8) and then later this evening I have a dinner “date” with my 22 year grandson. Life is beautiful and I’m determined to live happy!
  5. I say I will try every day. I bought a dog which I have never had one. I joined a gardening club and I bought a concert ticket to go to. It has been almost 8 months. I still cry at times but I have no choice but to try…

My response: I am happy and I am making the best I can out of the life I have now. I am happy, and not envious, of couples who still have each other, and I love seeing their expressions of love for one another. I will love and be loved again one day.


Today is May 19, 2019 – 288 Days Without My Husband

 

I published my debut book in May 2017. My husband, as usual, was very involved in my writing and research process. So when my first box of books arrived, he we celebrated in our normal #We2Foodies fashion.

Over the next few months my hubby read the book two times.  One part that really ministered freedom to him is my discussion on perfectionism (chapter 6, page 39). He really pondered the points made, and as we discussed them even further, I saw a visible change in him.  Until then, I did not know perfectionism was his root cause of certain ways of thinking; ones that didn’t allow the best Alonzo to shine. I’m so honored to have unknowingly helped my husband find freedom through my writing. I share a little about this in one of my teaching videos which you can view on YouTube.

From the time my book published until today, I have suffered a series of losses, my beloved husband being one of them. It’s by far the most painful and debilitating loss of all. I’ve tried to keep living despite my pain. Having lost my husband so suddenly makes me very aware of the fleeting potential of life. Life literally can end in the blink of an eye. Chapter 9 of my book is titled Transform. I open the chapter by recounting some details of the 9/11 tragedy. I then talk about how Lower Manhattan has transformed in order to rejuvenate life at the “ground zero” site of one of the biggest tragedies on a American soil. It was a major loss.

Now that I have suffered shattering life-losses, this introduction in chapter 9 has a much deeper meaning to me than it did when I wrote it. I decided to talk about my grief journey, and how  hard I’m working to transform into my new life in the healthiest way possible.

Here’s an estimated timeline of what you’ll hear in this special edition teaching video called: Chapter 9: Transform – Grief Cannot Stop The Vision.

1:00 – 10-:00 — Introduction and a short reading from my book

10:0025:00 — My loss and grief journey and a discussion on why grieving people “mask”.

25:0040:00 – My motivation to continue working out my Kingdom assignment while grieving; a discussion on the “ground zero” of loss & grief versus the after-effects of loss & grief.

40:0055:00 – How long-term grief brings on demonic oppression, a spirit of heaviness and a spirit of infirmity. A prayer & declaration for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are stymied by the pain of loss.

55:00 – 60:00 – A quick introduction to my next 3 teachings (parts 2, 3 & 4) from chapter 9.

 

If you decide to watch the video, I truly hope it blesses you.

 

 


Today is June 26, 2019 – Almost 11 months without my hubby

Did you know widows and widowers live under a different kind of scrutiny from others? The “judgement” comes from people who, having never lost a spouse, form an opinion about a widow/widower’s happiness or level of depression. This is just another reason why grieving people mask.  We have enough internal confusion and turmoil and don’t really have the emotional capacity to take on the opinions of others.

One widow said:

“I lost my husband three months ago and I have chosen not to suffer and get on with my life. Life is too short and precious. Don’t judge me because I have put on my oxygen mask before I have helped others.”

Another widow said:

“My husband died 3 months ago. I’m going through the motions of getting on with my life and taking care of business, but I’m still really hurting inside, and missing him all the time. But I know he would have wanted me to be strong and go on. What else can I do?”

Another widow said:

“My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. I don’t know if that makes a difference since I didn’t have any time to grieve due to an illness. I am in shock and denial and feel like I have a long difficult road ahead of me. It’s been almost 6 weeks.”

A widower said:

“Not judging anyone, who am I to say that. I have a question, I’m 3 months out since my wife passed, I am crying all the time, although less than yesterday… I looked up at a sweatshirt of hers doing laundry and I cried. Are you feeling like that? Have you been to counseling? …Moving on, forward or whatever is unfathomable for me right now. Am I doing something wrong?”

 

 

As of today I’m almost 11 months out. I’m living, making a new life AND I am grieving the loss of my Love. You can do both at the same time. I’ve traveled (solo and with others), still moving forward with the dreams and goals he and I shared, as well as, my own. My hubby supported me in every way, and I know he would not want me to curl up in a ball and die. He would want me to LIVE and be happy…. buy things (he was the shopper) and eat well (we were Foodies).

He would not want me to say: “he was my everything”. To that he would say: “I am your husband; God is your everything.”

He would not want me to say: “I just can’t go on with him.” To that he would say: “You’re smart and you took care of me and momma all those years; You can do anything you put your mind to. Live, Baby Live!”

I can actually hear him saying this. I honor my husband’s life and all he did for me by LIVING. So…. that’s what I’m doing. I’m giving it my best.

My husband had diabetes and heart disease; but he was doing very well at the time. Our biggest challenge with diabetes was with saving his feet and eyesight. He still worked every day and we had an active life together. He died suddenly from cardiac arrest while we were out at a party. All his doctors were in complete shock because we were managing his illnesses so well, there was no reason for him to die when he did. When he died August 4, 2018 it was a total and unbelievable shock. Some days I’m still shocked, and it has been a difficult road.

There’s no right or wrong at 3 months. Your pain and loss are still too raw. Just keep taking care of yourself. Make yourself go outside and collect sun-rays. Try not to totally isolate yourself and push everyone away… Let a few people stay close, but don’t overwhelm yourself. You will cry many, many days. Tears are healing. Eat well and rest. You can make it. Give yourself time.

The other day a male pastor friend of mine and my husbands, who is currently recovering from a massive stroke,  said: “You know he’d want you to move on and be happy, right?”  I replied: “Yes… I know.”

I still have many things to overcome, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I was soooooo loved by my husband. And I love him dearly; even in his physical absence my love for him is not yet past-tense. It’s still very present for me. One way I show my love for him is to keep doing the things we loved to do together. No, it’s not the same, but it will never be that way again… I cannot waste hope on something that can never be again.

I still must live.

I have just returned from the 2019 Southern California Christian Writer’s Conference, held in Fullerton, CA. I drove there from Northern California because I wanted the freedom to come and go on a whim. This was my first solo road trip ever. I wanted to feel as safe as possible so I got OnStar in my vehicle, maintained my AAA 100 mile tow & emergency roadside assistance, and as usual had my BFFs tracking me by using the LIFE360 app. I had a few other precautions in place that I won’t mention here.

I have to admit it felt really good.

 

On Sunday, before I hit the road to return home, I stumbled upon the Anaheim Packing District. OMG!!! My husband would have LOVED this place. It was sooooooo #We2Foodies. I had Indian food, watermelon agua fresca, gelato…. And I event took home a pastry or two

Here’s my walk-thru tour of the place.  I hope you enjoy it!

 


I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST YEAR

Healing and living while grieving my husband’s sudden death was only possible by God’s wonderful grace. I wanted to share my story with you as continued healing for me and, prayerfully, help for you.

Please watch my video-share.  Bless you!

 

Here are links to the resources I mention in this video. Widows and Widowers – Healing Support and Education – A private, highly moderated FB group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/10203… My One-Year Journal Blog titled: “Thoughts and Prayers of Widows and Widowers Who Follow Christ”: https://mwalkerwade.wordpress.com/201… Books Read (links via my Pinterest board) – Heaven: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3050485… – Second Firsts – Live, Laugh and Love Again: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3050485… YouTube Videos (linked via my Pinterest board) – Uncoupled – Dealing With the Death of a Spouse: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3050485… – When CPR Doesn’t Work: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3050485… – Evan’s Family Discusses Faith & Loss: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3050485… And more can be found at… https://www.pinterest.com/mwalkerwade…



 

That’s all for now.  Come back to this article for more postings in the days ahead.  Check out my YouTube playlist – Widows and Widowers who Follow Christ, and follow my Pinterest board for Widows and Widowers Who are Followers of Christ.

I’m Winning By Eating Right

June 23, 2018

WINNING with healthy eating

Other than extremely rare pollen allergies – as in once or twice a season – I have NO health conditions.

I used to suffer from allergies and IBS. I thought these things were *normal*.  I carried Rolaids and nasalcort in my purse daily. Back in 2006 my blood-work showed I had mildly high cholesterol. Instead of giving me a cholesterol prescription, my then Primary Care doctor (RIP) slipped me a piece a paper with a simple meal plan on it…

She said: “Do this so I won’t have to prescribe cholesterol meds to you next year. That stuff is horrible!”

I had no idea what a BLESSING my doctor was being to me. I didn’t know it, but she was already sick with cancer, and by the time my next year’s annual check-up came around, she was too sick to see patients. Six months later she was gone.

I learned A LOT about eating better from my tyrant friend, Geneva Clay (sister of my BFF Vanessa). At that time she had a business/ministry called “Fit for Life – Fit to Serve” where her mission was to help Believers to be good stewards over our bodies so sickness would not prevent us from doing the work of the Kingdom. – Thank you Geneva!

I can only imagine what my health would be like now if these two influencers had not ‘harassed’ me (j/k) into changing my eating habits way back then.

✔️It has not been easy.
✔️It did not happen overnight.
✔️I’m still not consistent at deliberate exercise, although I intentionally walk extra at work, in parking lots, and take the stairs instead of the elevator.
✔️And, I still fight the french fry demon! 🍟

BUT…

🙌 I’m WINNING the war against the food & drug industry whose tactics cause far too many American’s to have chronic diseases and be life-long pharmaceutical patients. I have NO health conditions and take NO meds.

Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. – 3 John 2:2

🙌 Testimony! — Last month we found out my hubby’s A1C was under 7 for the first time ever, his cholesterol was near perfect and he’s down 40lbs!

 

Join me on Facebook for more tips and discussions on healthy eating at facebook.com/eatrightprayright

Healthy Eating – Yes it Takes Work

May 21, 2018
Healthy eating…
It’s not what they sell us packaged in stores.
It’s not what they talk about on promotional commercials.
And it’s not anything that’s been technologically or genetically modified for our convenience.
One of the main reasons people do not eat healthy is because it takes work to eat healthy.
Yes… it takes work.
BUT, BELOVED I WISH ABOVE ALL THINGS THAT YOU BE IN GOOD HEALTH EVEN AS YOUR SOUL PROSPERS. (3 John 1:2).
This is what I want for the Body of Christ. You may pray the prayer of faith for your healing as much as you please; but, Beloved, faith without works is dead…
Friends, work your healthy eating habits until you love it so much you can never go back!
Join me on Facebook for lots of tips, information and ideas for healthy eating.
LIKE https://www.facebook.com/EatRightPrayRight/

Four Years Without a Dentist… Why?

February 17, 2018

I have dental situation I have been *maintaining* using homeopathic remedies since 2014. The #dentist – no, the #dentistry industry – actually caused the condition by promoting the of composite (#resin) plastic for fillings. In short, #composite is just a toxic as silver, and furthermore, there is absolutely no way to prevent “micro-leakage” when using a plastic substance for deep dental fillings. It’s chemically impossible.

Against my better judgement I allowed my dentist to give me a composite filling in 2013. I could tell right away I would have problems with this filling.

Approximately 12 months later I had decay or #caries UNDER the filing. My dentist wanted to immediately drill out the 12 month old filling and the decay underneath it, and re-fill it with another composite filling.

Knowing another composite filling would end the same way, I refused.

I’ve treated my tooth with a variety of homeopathic remedies ever since. Because the caries is under the composite, I knew I couldn’t *heal* it, but I was pretty confident I could maintain it for a few years.

Two years ago my dentist called me and asked if I was ready to get treatment “on that tooth”. She said certainly it must be giving you pain or sensitivity by now. But no, I said, not yet. She inquired to know how I was treating it.

“I have several remedies…” I said.

Now, four years later, it’s time to deal with it using the assistance of a professional dentist 😦 I’ve done my research so, while I don’t yet know the exact condition of the tooth, I have decided which treatment options I will allow and not allow. For example, a #RootCanal is out of the question. Those things have a high rate of infection because they actually create a *trap* for bacteria.

So, how did I remediate my tooth for four years? The basis of my remedies included:

#DIET
○Avoiding sugar
○Grass-fed dairy (butter and milk)
○Grass-fed beef (in LIMITED amounts)
○Occasional consumption of liver
#BoneBroth
○Natural #probiotics
○Minimal consumption of grains

#DentalHygiene
○No products containing #fluoride. Period.
○Oil pulling with coconut oil — Usually with the oil only, but I’d sometimes add in turmeric or oil of oregano as needed.
○Brushing and swishing with Celtic sea salt and baking soda (sometimes with a drop of tea tree oil)
○Xyoltol dental rinse (sometimes with a few drops of colloidal silver)
○Careful cleaning between my teeth every time I eat (using floss or interdental brush and swishing)
○Occasional dental scaling

As a side note, bone broth is not the same as stock broth you see on the store shelves. It’s best to make it yourself, but I have found some great alternatives at health food stores, and even Whole Foods, in the freezer section. Bone broth has many other WONDERFUL effects on #HealthyLiving and having a strong #ImmuneSystem. Check out this #DrAxe article about it.

Lastly, I just want to share a little something about #RootCanals and #Bacteria from this article by OraWellness, Understanding the issues with root canals.

—- Dr. Haley chose to do his own studies similar to Weston Price’s research on root canal teeth using today’s technology. Dr. Haley studied approximately 900 teeth with root canals for their level of toxicity within. He grouped the teeth into three different groups.

Roughly 25% of the root canal teeth studied had bacteria within them which produced toxins that were fairly benign. 50% of the teeth studied contained bacteria within their structure that would challenge a healthy immune system. The last 25% of the teeth contained bacteria which produce toxins more powerful than botulinum (Important note, botulinum is widely recognized as the most toxic substance known to humans). This bears repeating. 25% of the teeth Dr. Haley studied contained a toxin stronger than the strongest toxin known to humans

The take-away point is this: Just like any other topic on healthy living, dental health should not be mysterious to you. The foods you consume and products you use are choices you should wisely consider so you can advocate for your own health and well-being. Remember, the dental industry needs you to keep needing them. I only want the need them 2 times a year for a check up and non-fluoride cleaning.

Influence Has No Boundaries

April 23, 2016
Influence… influr “to flow into” —- grants access to a deep place
The positional lines may be clear, but it is a fact that influence has no boundaries and it does not need my permission to go where it goes
.

What you say goes, God – Psalm 119:89 (MSG)

February 4, 2016

ForeverWordSettled

Psalm 119:89-96 – A declaration that acknowledges the saving and sustaining power that lies within our obedience to God’s word.

The Message (MSG)

89 – What you say goes, God, and stays, as permanent as the heavens.

90 – Your truth never goes out of fashion; it’s as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.

91 – Your Word and truth are dependable as ever; that’s what you ordered—you set the earth going.

92 – If your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came.

93 – But I’ll never forget the advice you gave me; you saved my life with those wise words.

94 – Save me! I’m all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.

95 – The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I’m only concerned with your plans for me.

96 – I see the limits to everything human, but the horizons can’t contain your commands!

 

The KJV of 119:89 (very familiar) says: “FOR EVER, O Lord, thy word is settled in heaven.”

Whatever is settled in heaven cannot, then, be changed on earth; it’s not subject to any other person’s opinion or beliefs. When something is settled, it’s set, settled, it is what it is.

When you know something is settled, you can give yourself all the way over to it; to resting in it and depending on it. You can take the limits off of it and let it come ‘all the way alive’, because you trust it.

So I say unto you, know God’s word is settled and that whatever He says goes. Trust in it; stand firm on it, and live by it.

8 Steps to Turning Disappointment Into Transformation

December 17, 2015

Let your Challenges fuel your creativity


 

1. Look inside yourself. Reflect on your vision for your future.
2. Articulate with much clarity and specificity where you are today
3. Compare your vision with your reality
4. Ask yourself: “Do I love where I am (or who I am) today enough to stay here forever?”
5. Clearly express any fears you may have about your vision and the transformation that must take place for it to live.
6. Think about the people and organizations you’ve committed to in your past and present; determine who might belong in your future.
7. Decide what is worth fighting for right now.
8. Make the decision and prove it with execution.

Summarized from page 125-126 Primal Leadership by Daniel Goldman