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Thoughts and Prayers of Widows and Widowers Who Follow Christ

October 19, 2018

My dearest husband, best friend, soulmate, co-laborer in the Gospel and straight up love of my life passed unexpectedly on August 4, 2018. I cannot begin to explain the pain I feel not having him physically in my life any more.

Alonzo and Michelle

Pastors Alonzo & Michelle Wade

Although I grieve, I live.  Through my sadness and solitude, I lean on God my Father and Christ my Savior to be my daily help.

I’ll use this blog article to share some of my on-going thoughts and prayers as a widow and woman minister.

Also, check out my YouTube playlist – Widows and Widowers who Follow Christ, and follow my Pinterest board for Widows and Widowers Who are Followers of Christ.

I hope you’ll bookmark it so you can come back often to be encouraged by a chronicle of prayers and thoughts from a widow woman of God – that’s me.

The first few days following my husband’s unexpected death left me utterly shattered, confused, deranged, lonely, feeling survivor & caregiver guilt, wondering what in the world I could have done differently… wondering WHY NOW GOD! I recognize that these feelings, to some degree or another, may never have an end date, but by God’s grace and wisdom I am learning how to cope. I use a variety tools to help bring my thoughts back to a sober place.  One tool in particular is this youtube video, The Evans Family Discusses Faith & Loss. The Evans family conducted this discussion with their congregation a day after they lost a family member to an unexpected death.

Pastor Archie LaVias of Modesto, CA sent this to me on about the third day after my husband’s death.  I listened to it repeatedly. Whenever anger and destructive thoughts would overshadow me, the Evans family’s testimonies would talk me through it. I am forever grateful to the Evans and Pastor LaVias for this healing gift.

I hope it helps you too.

During the first two weeks of my bereavement I realized grief feels like fear.

Grief Feels Like Fear

Read a very helpful article at:

About three weeks after my husband passed, a wonderful sister in Christ told me about a book called Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. One thing I’ve learned through this season of loss is that, even as Believers, we have a very poor understanding of heaven. I found tremendous comfort in discovering what the scriptures really do say about heaven.  As a grieving widow, I needed this understanding so I could mourn my loss gracefully.

Loved Ones In Heaven (1)

I was at about the two month mark when I read: “Our loved ones are waiting to see us again. They’ve simply gone on to heaven ahead of us.”

I’ve been mourning the loss of my husband and best friend for 76 days now – it’s October 19, 2018.  I hurt. I cry. I miss his loving care for me. I miss our conversations, our meals together, our Saturday outings, worshiping the Lord together, debating the scriptures with one another… I could go on and on. I miss just about everything about him.  Although diabetes did not take his life, I don’t miss what it was doing to his body. As much as I miss him, I trust that God truly knew what was best.

I trust I miss

Today is November 6, 2018… two days past my 3 month mark.

Last week was an incredibly difficult week with lots of tears, anxiety, panic attacks, heart palpitations, widows fog, insomnia, and general ambivalence. Praying through it was difficult, but I kept working at it.

I must have talked myself in and out of 100 different things before finally, on Friday evening, I forced myself out of my house onto a 30 mile journey to the one thing that kept coming back to me… 4 Wheel Bob. 

4 Wheel Bob is a documentary film by Tal Skloot about Bob Coomber and his attempt to be the first wheelchair hiker to cross the Sierra.


4 Wheel Bob – official trailer from Tal Skloot on Vimeo.

The 4 Wheel Bob documentary and Bob’s tenacity encouraged me so much that it helped me thrive through grief for four whole days. I feel a wave coming on now, but I think I’m ready to handle it.

ONE Last thing for now… Check out this entire chapter in 1 Timothy on the care of widows. He talks about older widows and young widows separately.  It’s pretty interesting stuff.  I’m  quoting here from the Common English Bible version.

1 Timothy 5:3-16 (CEB)

Take care of widows who are truly needy. But if a particular widow has children or grandchildren, they should first learn to respect their own family and repay their parents, because this pleases God. A widow who is truly needy and all alone puts her hope in God and keeps on going with requests and prayers, night and day. But a widow who tries to live a life of luxury is dead even while she is alive. Teach these things so that the families[a] will be without fault. But if someone doesn’t provide for their own family, and especially for a member of their household, they have denied the faith. They are worse than those who have no faith.

Put a widow on the list who is older than 60 years old and who was faithful to her husband. 10 She should have a reputation for doing good: raising children, providing hospitality to strangers, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in distress, and dedicating herself to every kind of good thing. 11 But don’t accept younger widows for the list. When their physical desires distract them from Christ, they will want to get married.12 Then they will be judged for setting aside their earlier commitment.13 Also, they learn to be lazy by going from house to house. They are not only lazy, but they also become gossips and busybodies, talking about things they shouldn’t. 14 So I want younger widows to marry, have children, and manage their homes so that they won’t give the enemy any reason to slander us. (15 Some have already turned away to follow Satan.) 16 If any woman who is a believer has widows in her family, she should take care of them and not burden the church, so that it can help other widows who are truly needy.

Today is November 14, 2018 – 102 days since my beloved hubby transitioned to heaven.

Yesterday was one tough day, but today… Today is #WorldDiabetesDay so I’m really thinking about my hubby and his (our) battle with diabetes.  Mind you, while his diabetes was fairly advanced diabetes, his direct cause of unexpected death was sudden cardiac arrest.

None-the-less, diabetes is in fact a silent killer that can slowly and methodically rob a person of his life. Most people have no clue of diabetes’ power to effect the entire body.

This video shares a little about diabetes being the 2nd cause of premature death in South Africa. It’s the 3rd cause of premature death in the United States, and is one of the most expensive diseases to treat over time because of the way the body slowly deteriorates both internally and externally over time.

The South African man in this video talks a little about his foot amputation. Limb amputations are common in diabetics worldwide (including in the US).

My husband and I fought DAILY to keep diabetes from robbing him of his feet. We lost toes, but we did not lose a foot. The Lord promised me years ago that my husband would get to keep his feet… Of course I didn’t realize that he would transition to heaven so soon, BUT he went there with two feet.

My husband had to wear shoes and socks that weren’t stylish – which he hated. He often wore a post-op shoe on one foot or the other… which he hated too.

He would often go through all his boxes of designer dress shoes and Adias tennis shoes and say: “I’m going to wear my shoes again one day…”

And I would say: “But not today.”

Very few people know this, but I pleaded with the mortuary to please let my husband wear his designer dress shoes for his Home-going Celebration. They weren’t sure they could get the shoes on his feet, but said they would try. All throughout the service I wondered if my babes had on  his shoes or not. Right at the very end of the service, Apostle Chess was able to take a peek in the casket. She looked at me and said:


My heart rejoiced! I’d given my hubby his simple final wish. 

Zo in Shoes

Today is Sunday, November 25, 2018, the Sunday after my first major holiday without my husband, Thanksgiving. I’ve been a widow for 112 days.

The Lord blessed me to make it through the holiday without having a major grief wave.  That was my prayer leading up to the day. I shared this supplication with a fellow writer  friend, Craig Carlisle, after listening to his podcast “Thankful for What?” Craig, a 7-year widower, shared so candidly about his experiences as a widower raising 5 boys, and how for years the anger of widowhood made him feel like there was nothing to be thankful for. Before you judge him for his feelings, take time to listen to this episode of the podcast in it’s entirety.

Click here to listen to the Rzngmen Podcast episode “Thankful for What?”

Well, Thanksgiving was a success!  At first I wasn’t quite sure how our family’s first Thanksgiving without Alonzo would work out. He and I always cook the feast together whether we’re at home or in Phoenix. My mom cooks with us too; but everyone has their role to play, and it takes all of us to prepare dinner for the family.

This year, mom and I cooked most of the food, and my good sister-friend, who happens to own a restaurant, helped me out with a few of the items.  We make everything from scratch, so it’s quite a labor of love.

Everything was delicious and the time of family togetherness was so life-giving to us all.

God is good.


My first Christmas season is coming up next…

Random thought… Not sure of the day but here it is…

It sounds cliche, but it really is one moment, one emotion, one decision at a time. Figuring out ‘what do I need in this moment’ and allowing yourself to go with it. Sometimes you’ll need to cry, sometimes sleep, sometimes eat pie & ice cream, sometimes tell stories about your Love, sometimes go for a walk… I could go on. I’m less than four months out and I’m still real random.🤷‍♀️and I still cry like a baby 😭 and then I laugh like nothing is wrong 😂. In my world, it’s all OK.


It’s December 4, 2018 – My husband has lived in heaven for Four months.  I am living through my first holiday season, creating new memories while continually memorializing my wonderful husband’s life.

I delivered holiday candy – handmade peanut & pecan brittle – to the team of podiatrist who took such wonderful care of my husband’s diabetic feet for several years. Without their care, expertise and compassion for my husband, our lives would have been soooooo extremely different. I cannot thank them enough for the gift of “healthy feet” they kept diabetes from destroying. I took 15 bags to two offices. From front office to back office, they truly worked as a TEAM.


My husband Pastor Wade loved having big, live trees. We’d get two each year – one for home and one for the church (PMTC). He and I would decorate our home tree together, and the members of our church would decorate the church tree.


Christmas 2014 at PMTC


This year, instead of getting a tree, I decided to decorate a table with a little memorial to my Babes. See his little house with two trees, one on either side?

Now if I could just get a flat-screen TV with a remote and a bowl of popcorn in there. Lol


Thanks Mom and Madilyn for helping 😘


That’s all for now.  Come back to this article for more postings in the days ahead.  Check out my YouTube playlist – Widows and Widowers who Follow Christ, and follow my Pinterest board for Widows and Widowers Who are Followers of Christ.


I’m Winning By Eating Right

June 23, 2018

WINNING with healthy eating

Other than extremely rare pollen allergies – as in once or twice a season – I have NO health conditions.

I used to suffer from allergies and IBS. I thought these things were *normal*.  I carried Rolaids and nasalcort in my purse daily. Back in 2006 my blood-work showed I had mildly high cholesterol. Instead of giving me a cholesterol prescription, my then Primary Care doctor (RIP) slipped me a piece a paper with a simple meal plan on it…

She said: “Do this so I won’t have to prescribe cholesterol meds to you next year. That stuff is horrible!”

I had no idea what a BLESSING my doctor was being to me. I didn’t know it, but she was already sick with cancer, and by the time my next year’s annual check-up came around, she was too sick to see patients. Six months later she was gone.

I learned A LOT about eating better from my tyrant friend, Geneva Clay (sister of my BFF Vanessa). At that time she had a business/ministry called “Fit for Life – Fit to Serve” where her mission was to help Believers to be good stewards over our bodies so sickness would not prevent us from doing the work of the Kingdom. – Thank you Geneva!

I can only imagine what my health would be like now if these two influencers had not ‘harassed’ me (j/k) into changing my eating habits way back then.

✔️It has not been easy.
✔️It did not happen overnight.
✔️I’m still not consistent at deliberate exercise, although I intentionally walk extra at work, in parking lots, and take the stairs instead of the elevator.
✔️And, I still fight the french fry demon! 🍟


🙌 I’m WINNING the war against the food & drug industry whose tactics cause far too many American’s to have chronic diseases and be life-long pharmaceutical patients. I have NO health conditions and take NO meds.

Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. – 3 John 2:2

🙌 Testimony! — Last month we found out my hubby’s A1C was under 7 for the first time ever, his cholesterol was near perfect and he’s down 40lbs!


Join me on Facebook for more tips and discussions on healthy eating at

Healthy Eating – Yes it Takes Work

May 21, 2018
Healthy eating…
It’s not what they sell us packaged in stores.
It’s not what they talk about on promotional commercials.
And it’s not anything that’s been technologically or genetically modified for our convenience.
One of the main reasons people do not eat healthy is because it takes work to eat healthy.
Yes… it takes work.
This is what I want for the Body of Christ. You may pray the prayer of faith for your healing as much as you please; but, Beloved, faith without works is dead…
Friends, work your healthy eating habits until you love it so much you can never go back!
Join me on Facebook for lots of tips, information and ideas for healthy eating.

Four Years Without a Dentist… Why?

February 17, 2018

I have dental situation I have been *maintaining* using homeopathic remedies since 2014. The #dentist – no, the #dentistry industry – actually caused the condition by promoting the of composite (#resin) plastic for fillings. In short, #composite is just a toxic as silver, and furthermore, there is absolutely no way to prevent “micro-leakage” when using a plastic substance for deep dental fillings. It’s chemically impossible.

Against my better judgement I allowed my dentist to give me a composite filling in 2013. I could tell right away I would have problems with this filling.

Approximately 12 months later I had decay or #caries UNDER the filing. My dentist wanted to immediately drill out the 12 month old filling and the decay underneath it, and re-fill it with another composite filling.

Knowing another composite filling would end the same way, I refused.

I’ve treated my tooth with a variety of homeopathic remedies ever since. Because the caries is under the composite, I knew I couldn’t *heal* it, but I was pretty confident I could maintain it for a few years.

Two years ago my dentist called me and asked if I was ready to get treatment “on that tooth”. She said certainly it must be giving you pain or sensitivity by now. But no, I said, not yet. She inquired to know how I was treating it.

“I have several remedies…” I said.

Now, four years later, it’s time to deal with it using the assistance of a professional dentist 😦 I’ve done my research so, while I don’t yet know the exact condition of the tooth, I have decided which treatment options I will allow and not allow. For example, a #RootCanal is out of the question. Those things have a high rate of infection because they actually create a *trap* for bacteria.

So, how did I remediate my tooth for four years? The basis of my remedies included:

○Avoiding sugar
○Grass-fed dairy (butter and milk)
○Grass-fed beef (in LIMITED amounts)
○Occasional consumption of liver
○Natural #probiotics
○Minimal consumption of grains

○No products containing #fluoride. Period.
○Oil pulling with coconut oil — Usually with the oil only, but I’d sometimes add in turmeric or oil of oregano as needed.
○Brushing and swishing with Celtic sea salt and baking soda (sometimes with a drop of tea tree oil)
○Xyoltol dental rinse (sometimes with a few drops of colloidal silver)
○Careful cleaning between my teeth every time I eat (using floss or interdental brush and swishing)
○Occasional dental scaling

As a side note, bone broth is not the same as stock broth you see on the store shelves. It’s best to make it yourself, but I have found some great alternatives at health food stores, and even Whole Foods, in the freezer section. Bone broth has many other WONDERFUL effects on #HealthyLiving and having a strong #ImmuneSystem. Check out this #DrAxe article about it.

Lastly, I just want to share a little something about #RootCanals and #Bacteria from this article by OraWellness, Understanding the issues with root canals.

—- Dr. Haley chose to do his own studies similar to Weston Price’s research on root canal teeth using today’s technology. Dr. Haley studied approximately 900 teeth with root canals for their level of toxicity within. He grouped the teeth into three different groups.

Roughly 25% of the root canal teeth studied had bacteria within them which produced toxins that were fairly benign. 50% of the teeth studied contained bacteria within their structure that would challenge a healthy immune system. The last 25% of the teeth contained bacteria which produce toxins more powerful than botulinum (Important note, botulinum is widely recognized as the most toxic substance known to humans). This bears repeating. 25% of the teeth Dr. Haley studied contained a toxin stronger than the strongest toxin known to humans

The take-away point is this: Just like any other topic on healthy living, dental health should not be mysterious to you. The foods you consume and products you use are choices you should wisely consider so you can advocate for your own health and well-being. Remember, the dental industry needs you to keep needing them. I only want the need them 2 times a year for a check up and non-fluoride cleaning.

Influence Has No Boundaries

April 23, 2016
Influence… influr “to flow into” —- grants access to a deep place
The positional lines may be clear, but it is a fact that influence has no boundaries and it does not need my permission to go where it goes

What you say goes, God – Psalm 119:89 (MSG)

February 4, 2016


Psalm 119:89-96 – A declaration that acknowledges the saving and sustaining power that lies within our obedience to God’s word.

The Message (MSG)

89 – What you say goes, God, and stays, as permanent as the heavens.

90 – Your truth never goes out of fashion; it’s as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.

91 – Your Word and truth are dependable as ever; that’s what you ordered—you set the earth going.

92 – If your revelation hadn’t delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came.

93 – But I’ll never forget the advice you gave me; you saved my life with those wise words.

94 – Save me! I’m all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.

95 – The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I’m only concerned with your plans for me.

96 – I see the limits to everything human, but the horizons can’t contain your commands!


The KJV of 119:89 (very familiar) says: “FOR EVER, O Lord, thy word is settled in heaven.”

Whatever is settled in heaven cannot, then, be changed on earth; it’s not subject to any other person’s opinion or beliefs. When something is settled, it’s set, settled, it is what it is.

When you know something is settled, you can give yourself all the way over to it; to resting in it and depending on it. You can take the limits off of it and let it come ‘all the way alive’, because you trust it.

So I say unto you, know God’s word is settled and that whatever He says goes. Trust in it; stand firm on it, and live by it.

8 Steps to Turning Disappointment Into Transformation

December 17, 2015

Let your Challenges fuel your creativity


1. Look inside yourself. Reflect on your vision for your future.
2. Articulate with much clarity and specificity where you are today
3. Compare your vision with your reality
4. Ask yourself: “Do I love where I am (or who I am) today enough to stay here forever?”
5. Clearly express any fears you may have about your vision and the transformation that must take place for it to live.
6. Think about the people and organizations you’ve committed to in your past and present; determine who might belong in your future.
7. Decide what is worth fighting for right now.
8. Make the decision and prove it with execution.

Summarized from page 125-126 Primal Leadership by Daniel Goldman